Crave Attention? Launch a Fragrance

OMG! A few days ago, in an item about Paris Hilton helping open a shopping mall in Poland, you said, “Coming soon, Kim Kardashian appears at a milkshake bar opening in Dubai,” and here she is!

Who would have thought you were serious about that?

Come on, it wasn’t hard to predict. I mean, the woman was married less than two months ago, she is thought to be the highest-paid reality star on television, so why wouldn’t she go to Dubai to promote a milkshake bar? It just makes sense.

But if she craves attention so badly, why doesn’t she launch a fragrance, like Jennifer Aniston and Katy Perry and everybody else did?

Get with the program. Kim already launched a fragrance, four months ago.

I missed that. What about Paris Hilton, then? Can we expect a fragrance from her?

Sigh. Paris launched her fragrance years ago.

Say, Kymberlee, why don’t you have your own fragrance, if every other doofus gets one? It’s just the sort of flimflam we’d expect from you.

I do have one. You haven’t tried SARCASM, by Kymberlee? It hasn’t done very well, despite a serious ad campaign on rural billboards and a promotional tie-in with a popular brand of flip-flops.

What is the memorable catch phrase you use in your ads?

“Who wouldn’t want to smell like this?”

Gosh, it’s hard to believe folks didn’t go for that!

See, the SARCASM is spreading already.


Outrageous Celebrity Diets

To most, food is very valuable, and the most crucial question is: what to have for breakfast? Will it be South Indian from Sai Darshan across the street or McDonalds‘ sausage McMuffin with egg and hash browns? The day closes with a similar tryst; indulge ourselves at Hakkasan or binge atPronto for dinner? So when I come across articles on crazy diet plans that celebrities follow, I flip. Thus began my search for these so called ‘unconventional diets’ and I confess, I am visibly shaken.

Baby food diet

This one’s the lesser evil. I mean we all have, at some point in our infant lives, swallowed baby food. So what’s gross about a bowl of banana puree, especially if it helps you lose weight? Here’s what’s fucked up – pointy chin Reese Witherspoon has been on this diet for years! Imagine gulping puree day in and day out – no chewing, no variation in texture or flavour. Even Homer Simpson had a better idea; he ended up making a puree of everything, including an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet!

Verdict: You aren’t a baby no more!

Maple syrup and cayenne pepper diet
This one tastes worse than a bad cocktail! Nicknamed the ‘master cleanse,’ it will help you drop 10 kilos in two weeks. Here’s how singer Beyonce Knowles does it: homemade lemonade, maple syrup, water, and cayenne pepper. So essentially you’re not eating anything solid and letting the pepper burn your insides along with the calories. Time for a visit to Hinduja Hospital.

You got to chew on other things apart from people’s brains!

Raw food diet
This one is by far the most popular. There are many theories to it, from the pro-nature theory, which states that ‘all that can be eaten raw is what we should eat’. Agreed, veggies and fruits are good for the system. But hag-turned-hottie Demi Moore doesn’t understand that chomping only on veggies is seriously too much fibre with little nutrition and lots of digestion problems. If you still want an Ashton Kutcher for yourself, get your dose from Reliance Fresh.

VerdictBhindi, karela and dudhi cannot be eaten raw!

Grape fruit Oil Sniff
I have no clue and haven’t found the root to why grapefruit has been cursed with the duty of making fat arses lose lard?

A dozen celebs across the world have been on grapefruit diet – eat fruit, drink juice for a couple of months and you’d be as lean as Jenifer Aniston. Taking things to the next level is Jennifer Lopez; the butt-insured pop star carries around a vial of grapefruit oil to sniff. The aroma apparently affects your liver enzymes, activating nerves that cause fats to be broken down and absorbed into the blood stream.

Verdict: If this was effective, aroma therapists across the world would have been thin millionaires! And Jennifer Aniston wouldn’t have lost Brad Pitt.

Algae Diet
This is seriously wonky. Eating nothing does not worry us. But if drinking two pints of algae and seaweed shake for diet is Victoria Beckham’s way of getting back at the world for not appreciating the Spice Girls. She should consult a psychologist.

Algae and seaweed belong in nature not in the tummy.

Cookie Diet
Okay, this one, we like! We love cookies but doubt that all the cookies from Cookie Man, Theobroma and Celebrations won’t have enough variety to last for a year! Fame-crazy family’s child Kim Kardashian is an ardent follower of this diet and replaces two meals with two cookies each. Seriously, how can you have just two cookies instead of two meals and still have that tush?

Verdict: You’re giving cookies a bad name!

Ice cubes diet

Queen of yo-yoing weight, Renee Zellweger insists that you stick to eating low to no carbohydrates and suck on ice cubes every time you feel hungry. Well, ice cubes are great if they are made from vodka or soaked in slurpy kala khatta from Gogola, but not by itself.

There are better things to suck on!

I think, therefore I’m thin
‘It’s not me, it’s you!’ singer Lily Allen ‘thinks’ her way to being thin. Her theory is that you must eat less, chew more, and drink lots of water and imagine yourself as being thin. Think its silly? Not really, especially when you don’t have much to think about!
Verdict: Don’t STOP!

Words of caution: Dudes and dudettes, don’t try these diets unless you have masochistic tendencies, or have lost your marbles. If you plan to lose fat, the best way is to hit the gym and to say hello to the salad bowl.