Sex Dreams That Don’t Mean What You Think They Do

This isn’t apropos of anything. I just found myself on a dream interpretation website and thought I’d bring it to 11points. I like dream interpretation — nothing is what it seems, everything means something else. No matter what Freud said, a cigar is never a cigar.

For today, I’m analyzing 11 different sex dream subjects to let you know what they REALLY mean. 

  1. If you dream about… a dominatrix it means that… you’re looking to find God. Apparently, dreaming that you’re a dominatrix means you’re looking to step up your spirituality. Not sure how digging your spiked high heel into someone until they say the safety word (most likely “razzmatazz”) is a sign that you’re looking to be born again, but hey, who am I to argue with abook?
  2. If you dream about… watching someone get naked it means that… you’re compassionate. Watching someone get undressed shows you want to understand that person better so you can empathize and become more comfortable with them. I suppose this even applies if you’re watching them get undressed through binoculars outside their window.
  3. If you dream about… castration it means that… you feel uncreative. Makes sense, getting your genitals lopped off is akin to not being able to express yourself by painting seascapes or making a bunch of pots.
  4. If you dream about... orgies it means that… you need to have fewer hobbies. Take a note: If, in your dream, you’re getting spread too thin by simultaneous sex with a half dozen people… maybe it means you’re getting spread too thin in real life. So give up stamp collecting or you’re going to keep dreaming of getting gangbanged.
  5. If you dream about… an erection it means that… you should finally start writing that novel you’re always talkin’ about. Erections don’t mean erections in dreams. They mean you have power and energy you need to use, and, most commonly, use in a creative way.

  6. If you dream about… wearing a chastity belt it means that… you’re too protective. Clearly. If you want to put your lady genitalia under lock-and-key, it’s a sign that you need to relax.
  7. If you dream about… condoms it means that… well, it depends on the condom. If the condom is wrapped, it means you need to start letting other people voice their opinions.
    If you’re a woman and you dream about a man wearing a condom, it means you feel emotional protected. And finally, if the condom is unwrapped, it means you’re sexually frustrated (naturally, because every dream interpretation has to be the opposite of logical).
  8. If you dream about… incest it means that... you forgive a family member for an argument. Seriously. Your subconscious mind rewards them sexually. And yes, that’s gross, but it doesn’t mean (1) you’re sexually attracted to your sister or (2) that you should take the dream as a sign and act on it in real life. She gives you a nice birthday present, just thank her with a heartfelt hug.
  9. If you dream about… performing oral sex on yourself it means that…you’re a selfish bastard. But hey, I respect you for dreaming of something so ambitious.
  10. If you dream about… being gay it means that… you’re not gay. It just means that you accept yourself and you’re compassionate.
  11. But if you dream about… being bisexual it means that… you’re gay. And those two interpretations back-to-back really sum up the seemingly random and illogical art of dream interpretation.

Perfect Wig for Your ‘Gay’ Halloween Costume

No, seriously, this Men’s Gay Costume Wig is an actual item for sale on Amazon.com‘s website right now – though, to be fair, it’s not being sold by Amazon.com itself, but by a company called Brands on Sale.

Is it offensive? Obviously. And Amazon’s (brilliant) customer reviewers are fuming—in the funniest way possible, naturally:

This item is not just for Halloween. This cute little number is my go-to wig for any time I want to be gay for a night. I got the disco shades and smooth fake mustache, too. The whole ensemble is highly recommended. It makes me feel so liberated! And the best part is, I can take it off in the morning, and it’s like nothing ever happened. Nothing, you hear me?

Also, wearers of the gay wig apparently are magically blessed with Broadway-show singalong abilities :

I don’t know how this wig did it, but it’s synthetic hair has miraculous powers. All my life, I’ve wanted nothing more than to be Gay. But sadly, I was born straight.

Why was life so cruel, I often wondered as I cried myself to sleep.

Then I saw this gay wig and thought, why not? I put on this wig and suddenly all I can think is gay, gay, gay. I’m wearing rainbow flags and I’ve learned all the words to Cabaret in a week. Now, my dream has finally come true! Thank you! You saved my life!

Justin Bieber at 2011 VMAs: Gay or Fake Straight

I’m beginning to have second thoughts and even worry a little about Justin Bieber now. When he was younger, he managed to be cute et all… but now he’s obviously grown na…and I’m sure he can afford a mirror too. So then what was that at the 2011 VMAs??

Orange pants and animal print shoes?… like if your gay its cool.. a lot of people are. Just cause he has Selena by his side doesn’t convince me enough of him being straight anymore. And those glasses? Those were in vogue before he could even hit puberty… wait! Has he yet?…just sayin!!

In 2009, Justin Bieber told Oprah he’s gay (Click here. They said it!!)